Saturday, January 15, 2011

I doubt anyone reads this...

but I need to put into writing anyway. I have not written here often because as much as I wanted to share my journey...I wanted it to be a happy one. I love her with all my heart, and I am beginning to fear I always will. I never wrote part II to the visit...nor did I ever share details to the visit that followed... there was so much waiting invovled. In approximately three weeks it will be a year since I last saw her. In approximately 6 weeks it will be a year since I was last submissive to her and in approximately 10 months it will be a year since we last really talked.

I have tried to move on. She wants me in her life she says. She wants me to be her friend...but she tells me so little and keeps me at arms length. She says it is so as not to hurt me. She says it was to try to protect us. Instead, the sum of the choices we have both made seems to be zero, or at least close to it. I don't think she would agree with that sentiment. I think she would talk about the shared experience and the happiness we brought to each other's lives. I find it hard to see it that way.

I want desperately for her to be happy. I think, like a good submissive, I want her to be happy far more than I want my own happiness. It is hard to accept though that her happiness does not involve me...or worse that her happiness is mutually exclusive to me being there.

I hope, desperately, that all of this will change. I hope that she will call me and say she wants to try again. I hope that she will call me and forgive the miscommunication and the hurt and the anger. I will not air our dirty laundry here. I will however say that we both deserved better than this for an end. I will say that she was hurt badly and that it was, in part, my fault. I will say that I was hurt badly and there was nothing that she could do about it... and I will say that I predicted this ending when the bricks began to fall.

If you are reading this, my love, my owner, my friend, know that I still think of you as all of those things. I know you said that you did not want me to wait. I know you said that you wanted to be fair to me and that you felt I needed to move on and pursue my own happiness. I can't. My happiness is so deeply entwined with you that I cannot seek it somewhere else. I wait, and I hope.

If you are reading this also know that I am sorry. I am sorry that I misunderstood you that day. I am sorry that I could not handle things as well as I should have. I am not sorry that I fought for the truth though...and I am not sorry for the feelings that knowing the truth caused me to have. I love you, always, and will be here should you ever decide to you love me too.

I don't know if this will be my last post here. Perhaps this real boy will do his best to re-enter the world. I have thought about seeking these things, these desires, with another. I cannot do it. I tried... but that well is empty. Perhaps I will return, from time to time, to write these words that I doubt anyone else will read. Or perhaps, as my hopes and dreams allow, she will return and we will make things right again. I can honestly say that I do not know what the future holds.

This may goodbye, or it may, simply, be goodbye for now. That is my hope anyway...


Flow Hypno said...

*hugs* I'm sorry to hear that real boy, I had a similar and very different experience with a pet, I miss and love him, but he's gone from me now. We talk on occasion, but he's been avoiding me. Really it's better for him and his life, but I had fallen in love. In the months that passed, self-doubt, fear, rethinking everything that happened, and what I may have done wrong, even though I knew that his reasons were outside our relationship, all hit me in repeated waves. *hugs*

Anonymous said...

this story sucks. what a waste of my time