Saturday, January 15, 2011

I doubt anyone reads this...

but I need to put into writing anyway. I have not written here often because as much as I wanted to share my journey...I wanted it to be a happy one. I love her with all my heart, and I am beginning to fear I always will. I never wrote part II to the visit...nor did I ever share details to the visit that followed... there was so much waiting invovled. In approximately three weeks it will be a year since I last saw her. In approximately 6 weeks it will be a year since I was last submissive to her and in approximately 10 months it will be a year since we last really talked.

I have tried to move on. She wants me in her life she says. She wants me to be her friend...but she tells me so little and keeps me at arms length. She says it is so as not to hurt me. She says it was to try to protect us. Instead, the sum of the choices we have both made seems to be zero, or at least close to it. I don't think she would agree with that sentiment. I think she would talk about the shared experience and the happiness we brought to each other's lives. I find it hard to see it that way.

I want desperately for her to be happy. I think, like a good submissive, I want her to be happy far more than I want my own happiness. It is hard to accept though that her happiness does not involve me...or worse that her happiness is mutually exclusive to me being there.

I hope, desperately, that all of this will change. I hope that she will call me and say she wants to try again. I hope that she will call me and forgive the miscommunication and the hurt and the anger. I will not air our dirty laundry here. I will however say that we both deserved better than this for an end. I will say that she was hurt badly and that it was, in part, my fault. I will say that I was hurt badly and there was nothing that she could do about it... and I will say that I predicted this ending when the bricks began to fall.

If you are reading this, my love, my owner, my friend, know that I still think of you as all of those things. I know you said that you did not want me to wait. I know you said that you wanted to be fair to me and that you felt I needed to move on and pursue my own happiness. I can't. My happiness is so deeply entwined with you that I cannot seek it somewhere else. I wait, and I hope.

If you are reading this also know that I am sorry. I am sorry that I misunderstood you that day. I am sorry that I could not handle things as well as I should have. I am not sorry that I fought for the truth though...and I am not sorry for the feelings that knowing the truth caused me to have. I love you, always, and will be here should you ever decide to you love me too.

I don't know if this will be my last post here. Perhaps this real boy will do his best to re-enter the world. I have thought about seeking these things, these desires, with another. I cannot do it. I tried... but that well is empty. Perhaps I will return, from time to time, to write these words that I doubt anyone else will read. Or perhaps, as my hopes and dreams allow, she will return and we will make things right again. I can honestly say that I do not know what the future holds.

This may goodbye, or it may, simply, be goodbye for now. That is my hope anyway...

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Seems Sooooooo Long

It has been a while since my last couple of posts (although I did finally publish a November post that may be worth going back and reading.) I can't believe it has been almost three weeks since I was with my owner. It feels like yesterday, and it feels like months ago, all at the same time. I meant to post a "The Visit Part II," and my owner is working in a post about The Visit as well...

Anyway, I am not sure what I should be writing about these days. Truth be told my owner has chosen to be slightly less controlling in the last couple of weeks. I think it is partially the holidays and partially that she has not been feeling her best. I also must admit, in the interest of complete honesty, that I have added to her stress a bit lately; I feel very bad about that and I am trying to do that less. We share a very complex situation and it sometimes leads to misunderstandings and other such issues. We work very hard to make things good though and for the most part we succeed.

I don't really have much else to add right now, but I hate leaving my blog empty for so long. I guess I should say that things are mostly very good, that there are some bumps along the way, and that I can't wait for the holidays to be over. Thats about it! Oh yes, and I love my owner to pieces. She is the best thing in my life, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Friday, December 11, 2009

My Owner's Control

My owner has commanded me to write this, in real time, about what is happening to me tonight. It started this morning when she decided to play with something I had a dream about and we have talked about in the past. The idea was simple, that she could control what, if anything, I felt about people I knew. She took her time getting me to a really deep place this morning and then took away all of my emotions and feelings regarding people other than her. It didn't matter whether it was my mother, my sister, my exgirlfriend, anybody...I felt nothing unless she wanted me to.

She left me like that all day, occasionally asking questions about people to see how well her work took and to show me how controlled I was. That leads us to tonight, where she has taken things even further.

As I sit here now I feel nothing but my place as my owners property. I feel my love and devotion for her and my desire to be completely owned and completely obedient. Nothing else in this world matters to me. I am writing this blog post because she has commanded me to. I can't imagine doing anything other than what she commands me to do.

Throughout the night she has raised and lowered my awareness of emotion and thought concerning people in my life. She has teased me with it. She has toyed with it. She has made me forget everyone but her. It has taught me some interesting things.

I want her to have this much control over me. I accept that this much control means that she can do what she wills with me. I trust her completely. I want her to be able to alter, remove, destroy my emotions, my memory, my everything. I trust her to take good care of me and I truly believe that whatever state I wind up in it will be what she believes is best for us and that I will be happy in it. Just as I am happy in the state I am in now.

I have also learned just how dark our respective natures are. We are both incredibly turned on by this event. We both know that it is a marker of just how deep we are. Just how much she owns me...just how much I need to be owned. I am in awe of it. She has made me aware of a dial in my head. It goes from 100 down past 0 into negative numbers. This dial controls my ability to feel regarding parts of my life other than her, and her ownership of me. She has told me that she may never turn it back to 100...right now it is at negative...negative something. I know how much work she has put into this so I know she intends to use it. She intends to use me. I am so thankful and so happy for everything she does to me. Everything she takes from me. I may never completely feel other than for her again. If she chooses that than I will accept it. I will be happy with it. I will be proud that she thought doing this to me was worth it. I am proud to be hers.

So thank you, my love, my owner. This piece of property could not be happier.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

The Visit. Part I

In which our hero travels miles and miles to see his owner for the first time in way too long...

I drove...and I drove...and I drove.

I drove a bit more.

Eventually I pulled over into a parking lot and slept for half an hour (it was supposed to be fifteen minutes.) My phone rings (I miss it.) My phone rings again (I don't.) It is my owner!!! She wants to know where I am. (The answer is a little less than 2 hours away.)

I drove some more. We talked. We were giddy. I was telling her every mile marker and every exit I passed (almost every one anyway.) She has to go to work (I pout.) We meet in a parking lot near her office. She had warned me she would be shy. She was not as shy as she said she would be. We hugged. We kissed. We talked. We hugged. We kissed. She had to go to work (I pout some more.)

She reminded me that I needed to sleep. But I couldn't get into the hotel room until around 2 (It was 8 am) I go find a parking lot and quickly turn the backseat of my car into a makeshift bed. I sleep like the dead for about 3.5 hours. Suddenly I am awoken (from a bad dream about being taken away by the secret police,) by a knock on the car window.

It is not the secret police (well...not really anyway.)

It is not even the real police.

It is...


She takes me to lunch. We are giddy. We talk. We share disgusting levels of PDA (we really are very cute together.)

After lunch I follow her back to her office. I get to see her office. She has cute posters. It is small and cramped but it is her own office. Not to shabby for her first "real" job, I say.

After a quick goodbye I leave her office and travel the 15 miles to my hotel. Normally 15 miles would not seem very long....but I was very tired AND I had driven approximately 900 miles the day before. I check in to the hotel room. It is clean. It has a big fluffy bed... I put the big fluffy bed to use...I sleep, again, like the dead.

5pm comes. She appears in the hotel room (I left a key at the desk for her.) I am sooooo happy. But still a little sleepy. She drags me out of bed (girly pajamas and all,) and sends me to take a quick shower before we go to dinner...with her family.

Not to fear though...all went well at dinner. It was very nice. I talked football with her father. I talked work with her mother. She said few words the whole time but occasionally patted my leg. I think it was to tell me I was doing alright (I was SO nervous.)

Dinner eventually ended though and we went back to the hotel...and that is when things got interesting...

We cuddled. We kissed. We talked. She put me under. We talked. We kissed. We cuddled. She put me under. She woke me up. She put me under. Eventually once she had me good and ready she started playing with sudden inductions and other interesting hypnosis type fun. It was not long at all before I did not know which way was up (or which way was awake..or asleep...or... I am getting kind of dazy and happy just thinking about it.)

Eventually we both needed a bit of a pickmeup, and decided that milkshakes were just the thing. We went across the street to the Steak and Shake...we were sitting waiting for our milkshakes when suddenly I felt her finger at the base of my skull. She pushed firmly and growled in my ear to sleep. I think it took me by such surprise that I was gone before I realized it. Soon the firm pressure at that point where brain meets body was replaced by a gentle, rythmic, tapping. Soon my very empty head was very full. Of one.single.word.


I felt like I was hearing it all around me. Inside my head, outside my head. I was awash with pleasure and feelings of extreme submission. The only thing in my head was my owners soft voice telling me to obey. Soon she was telling me other things too...I only vaguely heard them though. Then there was a *snap* and I was awake.

I looked at my owner and smiled. She subtly nodded to the people who were trying to watch up without looking like they were watching. Clearly we had put on a bit of a show. Then, my owner started counting down from 10. 9. 8...

The more she counted the heavier my body began to feel. I suddenly felt an increasing need to kneel in front of was then that what she had said to me while I was so happily gone came into focus. She had told me that as she counted down from 10 to 1 I would feel a heaviness that would force me to kneel before her when she reached 1. She stopped, charitable, in the restaurant when she reached 4. I could barely stand up to retrieve our milkshakes. I wobbled to the car because I could barely walk.

As we started walking into the hotel room she started counting again. 3...2... she reached 1 as the door closed behind us. I dropped to my knees with a feeling of bliss and relief that you would have to feel to understand. My knees were the only place I could be and the only place I could want to be in that moment. My owner slowly walked around in front of me...forcing me to look up at her from my knees. Suddenly everything went fuzzy again. Soon after everything went dark and soft and warm. I was in what she has named my dolly space... where I think dolly thoughts...and I wait for my owner.

At this point I must stop and note that my owner is not a practiced sadist. She does not know if she is comfortable with hurting her property, even if it is fun and ultimately harmless...but she wanted to find out.

Without warning she snapped loudly, bringing the world in to focus. However that lasted less than a second before she slapped me full on the face, far harder than anyone has hit me in my life. I kneeled there, dumbfounded, shocked, practically in a trance again...I don't know if I was smiling, but I know Iwas as hard as I had ever been. She released me from my kneeling position and was soon cradling me in her arms. I was shaking and she was scared. We sat there for a while as I told her over and over again that it was okay. That I wanted it. That it made me happy... That I was hers.

And I am.

Coming soon will be the visit part II as well as a special surprise. The Owner, herself, will soon be making appearances here to share her thoughts on our relationship and to offer her perception of how and why things have happened. I am so excited to read what she has to say!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Say Hi to the Puppet People!!!

This is just a short note to say to everyone who reads this blog that I would love to hear from you and have you say hello and tell me what you think. My owner has apparently met a number of people through my blog which means you are out there reading it!!!

So say hi to the puppet please.

Thank you :-)

What's in a name?

Well, it is time to write a short post. I get to see my owner in a few days, which is AMAZING. She has been working me quite hard in the meantime though, or at least she says she has been. I don't really understand the things that are changing or rather how they are changing...something about the nature of what she does that makes relating what is now to what was in the past kind of difficult... I guess I should explain the title of this post though. In the shortest, bluntest, terms, she took my name away.

I will try to be a bit more accurate than that though. I had a name. I cannot however tell you what it was. (Not that I would anyway here, but more to the point I can't now.) By the way, I am indeed using the past tense. I do not currently have a name. I have heard my old name at least twice since it was taken from me...but it seems to just sort of pass through me. I don't know whether I don't really hear it, of it just doesn't stick in my mind...but it is, essentially, gone.

So if I don't have a name what does that mean? In reality... it doesn't mean that much to me...but that is what makes it so amazing, so freeing, and such a good feeling. I know who I am. I am my owner's slave. My owner's pet. My owner's little girl. *That* is who I am, all I am, and all I need to know. Having that is better than having a name.

That is, I guess, a related change that has happened. I define myself, entirely, as my owner's property. Everything I see and do and want is experienced through that lens. I would try to explain how that has changed things but I can't really. I just know that it feels wonderful and I want it more and more and more.

I am also more scatterbrained right now. Much more creative and able to focus on things like my writing, but also very scatterbrained. I am sitting in my favorite coffee shop right now writing this but forgot where I was going twice before I got here. Thats okay though, because my owner was there to tell me where I was going. So, I may not be able to function practically right now but everything looks and feels and sounds so real and so intense to me right now. I love it....and it allowed me to finish the first draft of a story I was working on for awhile but was unable to actually get down on paper. My owner is amazing!

I will write more later, but I really needed to get these thoughts down. There is another post coming at some point about my favorite word!!!! Bye for now.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

What the word "Obey" means to me.

This should be interesting. It is good to be back. Todays post is brought to you by the word "Obey," this word has become very important in my life recently. More important than it was before and possibly more important than any other single word has ever felt. Thanks to my owner I hear it constantly on the edges of my consciousness. I hear it every moment, in time with the beat of my heart. Sometimes I find myself repeating it quietly to myself. Sometimes I hear her breathing it into my ear. My owner is again becoming the center of my world, and this word, "Obey," is becoming, or has become, the thing I need most to hear.

So what does "Obey" mean?

It means that I am property. It means that I am her slave. It means that I am hers. It is almost interchangeable with the word "Mine," which she growls into my ear at least once per day... THAT word makes me shudder and go fuzzy and need her more than anything I can possibly explain... "Obey" is a close second.

Obey means that my purpose is obedience. It means that obedience is the thing which brings me pleasure and brings me joy. Obey means that above all else I belong to her. Which is what I wanted and needed more than I could ever describe here.