Wednesday, April 16, 2008

How we got here...sort of (9 months in review)

I am joined by a guest for this installment of my owner. Say hello everyone :-)

In the beginning I was, what my owner calls a blank slate. She says that I fought trance, wouldn't completely let go to it, and wanted to remain aware enough to "pick and choose" how far or where to let her go with my mind. However, the third or so time she tranced me, she began exploring my chastity fetish and implanted an order that wouldn't allow me to touch myself (very hard to deal with for a compulsive masturbator...and very awesome.) She says at this point that I threw caution to the wind and started to embrace my hypno-fetish.

At this point, she asked me if I liked how I felt about not being able to touch and if I wanted it to be reinforced. Of course, with my chastity fetish, I was enthralled with this idea and of course agreed. She, at this point, said "if I do that, you have to give something to me... you have to be willing to let me play with the rest of your mind." I quickly agreed, and she began to addict me to the idea of trance and her voice.

At this point, my work and her work got in the way of things and we spent a lot of time talking but not a lot of time trancing... still, her chastity command lasted, without further reinforcement, for a few days before I was able to return to my masturbatory normalcy... for a little while anyway.

Early on (and still really) one of my biggest fetishes is bondage. I love being bound up tightly and she would use this desire, along with some natural tendencies of hypnosis. To combine bondage and trances in such a way that I would feel heavy and unable to move, pressure on top of me, or the feeling of rope (and later chains) holding me down. She used this to reinforce my submission to her and my love of being tranced.

Without getting into some details her and I have discussed she has, a number of times, well exploring my innermost secrets and fetishes, regressed me mentally to earlier ages... it is very interesting to to explore fantasies you had years earlier (especially the earliest years of masturbatory fantasy.) She used these fantasies twisted them up with hypnosis and my fetish for my mind control to make me feel very submissive to her. This is probably the beginning of my descent from being casually submissive to completely owned.

Somewhere in there through trance she developed in me a bit of an alter ego, named Kitten. Kitten is ultra submissive and ultra kinky, very feminine and not all that bright. But very giggly and happy...obsessed with looking pretty for her owner... a fight has ensued ever since between my normal self, and Kitten for control of the "self"... she is winning.

Also, not long after all of this transpired my owner took a very big step and started playing with my memories... this is why I need her help to write this post. The memories I have now are not necessarily the memories that I *should* have. She has essentially rewritten many bits of my life to fit in with who she wants me to be. Although I know logically at what point my owner came into my life that logical knowledge does not fit with my memories. Not that any of that matters, she has always been there and I feel secure and happy in that.

Also around this time she worked very deeply with my emotions...she took me through a number of situations where I was angry with other people...making herself that person. The catch was that the more we fought about whatever it was we were fighting about the dumber I would feel like for fighting with her... basically no matter what she did (or I thought she did) I couldn't blame her for it... The overall effect of this is that it is basically impossible for me to get mad at my owner.

This is the point, according to her, that the following things became absolute truth, to me they always have been... this is what I know:
Obedience is pleasure...pleasure is obedience.
My owners words are the only truth
I belong to her completely
I am a toy

There are many more but you get the idea...

Another aspect of all her playing with my memories is more deeply ingraining Kitten, making her more real, and making it so she has always been there. At this point, if I am asked honestly which I am, I don't have an answer. I have memories as Kitten and memories as me...but it is basically a toss up which I recall. I only know that Kitten was the created personality because she has told me so.

It was around this time that she is also basically started wiping things from my mind... not lots of things, and mostly things she has done, but at this point I find forcefully forgetting things to be incredibly arousing...the feeling of something leaving your mind is one I can't even explain other than it being one of the "hotter" things I have experienced.

She is explaining right now how hopelessly tied to her I am at this point...because I am apparently constantly conditioning myself to associate pleasure with control, submission, and hypnosis. This has basically caused me to be even more of a compulsive masturbator, just without release. It has created a situation where I am unable to analyze my situation because I am so turned on by it, and as she puts it "betraying myself deeper to her."

She is now going to "admit" something to me... apparently she has forced me to completely repress certain things that are always in the background one of these things is the desire to betray myself to her... as she put it I am a double agent, against myself. She says this created a situation where although I once had predetermined limits of where I wanted this to go those limits no longer exist. They have been obliterated... I apparently told her to do that. She asked how much control she could take and I said "as much as you want...and if I ever say no to something you really want- make me say yes." She took me at my word and now I am stuck here (quite happily.)

Not long after this she started to create other personalities including a puppy and a puppet/windup doll. I feel these are self explanatory. One is a very happy pet and the other is exactly as automatonic as it sounds.

(She is pointing out to me now, as I write this, that once this is all over she is taking all of these memories from me...and that there is no way I am going to remember what I was like before... that is going to be pretty fucking hot.)

She is blushing- this is going to be good: Here comes and admission.

She says I asked her why I wasn't being pushed as far as she wanted and she said she wasn't comfortable... we are both comfortable with this now. As a result of this I have been developing an exhibitionist streak, that she has been installing of course. She says this is a work in progress but that it will be getting there... based on the fantasies running through my head right now it is working... she says that this used to be a big fear of mine but that now it is just one of my biggest fantasies.

There is a door in my mind (it appears to me as a round wooden door,) she has installed this imaginary place in my mind that will create a direct route to deep trance...she calls this the control center for my brain. Except for when she brings it up, or the occasional time that I notice it I tend to forget that this exists... but she uses this to set up things in my mind that I am not supposed to remember...

She has also helped me reach what she calls "my nothing space," it is an incredibly quiet space where nothing from the outside gets in... I can recall the feeling, but not the experience. It is incredibly floaty, I lose my sense of time, and my own body... as well as my sense of self in the sense that my mind shuts down beyond the feelings of comfort and what she says to me. It creates as situation where everything she says is absolute literal truth.

More recently she has been exploring an extreme fetish for objectification and for being essentially a little dolly. This started as a desire to be used, and left until wanted again... this fetish has been expanded and exploded in me to the point that it is truly massive. This appeals to both of us a great deal (we have often joked about me being a human teddy bear or a human pillow for her.) This has created a situation where she occasionally place me in what she calls "my dolly space." This started a couple of weeks ago. She took me under and kept me under for about 6 hours. During this time she created, for me, what we call my dolly space. During this six hours, and anytime she sends me there (or I wind up going by myself...which also happens.) I wind up in a state where time passes but I don't notice it. All that happens in my dolly space is I being to get into very circular lines of thought that remind me that I am an object and how good that feels...and I get hornier and hornier until I get pulled out of it in some way.

Somewhere in this frame of time she is also expanded my desire to be hypnotized to the point where now it is my preferred state, given the option. It is something I want, and that she gives me as a treat.

About a week ago (maybe two), I was under and I have reached a point where I will pretty much agree with everything she says to me. This led to a question and answer session that was really just me repeating the question back in the form of an answer that agreed with what she wanted. This led to a situation where some interesting things have become absolute truth- I never want to cum, I always want to be horny , I am only horny for my owner... things of that nature. This has led to a situation where I have very little interest in normal sexual activity or intimate attachments other than with my owner. (This explains what I mentioned in the last post about dating.)

Now we are trying to recall something related to my mantras (I need her voice, everything she says is truth.) This has led to a situation where I, as Kitten, feel an intense need to go shopping (A girl needs girly things to wear afterall...particularly something sexy to wear to bed.)


Which more or less leads to where I am today... completely hers (as I said before) and completely happy about it.

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